Woke up this morning, and cooked one of the best breakfasts ever. The grits were off the chain (I must admit), the bacon was good, 5 scrambled eggs and cinnamon rolls (Auli and I ate 6 of them, not so good), we drank the white grape, cranberry peach juice... it was good.
Started the day off talking to Pastor Wesley Mack. He invited me to take a look at $150Fast. It's very interesting... so I went to the bank and deposited the last $100 cash I had. (bal. was $166, the program cost $200). Very concerned about spending all my money to join this program, and not having enough money to cover my expenses at the state playoffs this weekend in Dalton. So, I'm going to hold up on joining this program. The last thing I want to do is be broke in Dalton, and have to count on "her" to cover my expenses.
Didn't speak to her at all today (yes I did, briefly) here's what we talked about. I called her because I noticed she had ordered ASH, because $30 were ACH'd out of the account. She said yes... as if that's suppose to be OK. Follow me on this, she told me, she wanted off the joint account, she brought the paperwork over here 2 days ago for me to sign so she could exit the account, but it's suppose to be OK for her to continue to order ASH, and it be withdrawn from my NOW INDIVIDUAL ACCOUNT... "OK...... not sure I'm following on that one Tanya"
I told her about the new program, and in traditional Tanya fashion, she immediately start warning me about the cable/internet bill. Ok.. thanks for the reminder, so I called them, they said, well Dwight it's not delinquent so if you make the payment $156, by next Friday, you will be good with NO interruption... (thanks for the reminder Tanya)
Beyond that, we didn't speak all day. Even though I thought about her a few times today, I'm really glad we didn't talk. As much as I miss her, want to talk to her, want to see her... I'm fine not hearing her voice at all. Talking to her is like volunteering to take 15 Anti-depressant pills at one time... hoping for good, but knowing it's going to be bad. Our conversations have so much negative energy, it's not worth talking to her. Most of the time... we disagree over the simplest shit, and our conversations always go left... and most of the time it's at "Hello... because either she can hear me, or I can't hear her... so it's Hello, Hello, Hello,... with ATTITUDE...and after that.. it's usually pretty much down hill from there. I'm glad we didn't talk today... but at 10:30pm... the phone rang... and I just sat there watching it ring for 3 solid FULL rings. Then I picked up.
She asks me how was practice, how was my day, then tells me that Auliver has some stuff she left on the table. Let me address this. I got a problem with this "Just popping up shit" she just does. You are clearly detaching yourself from me in every aspect of our relationship, and you don't feel like you owe me a courtesy call to say, I would like to come by to drop off, or is it ok to do this or that. I'm not just dropping by your mama house, so what the fuck. This is clearly the Tanya Astin Show... and I should just be happy to be here. "Let Auli know I left this on the table... just shaking my head"... but that's ok. It's not worth confronting...
Then she asks, how was my day... I said it's ok... now I'm talking through my teeth. Then she commence to telling me I needed to pick Autumn up and drop her off. Once again, all this "telling me" what to do shit is something I usually confront, I just don't have the energy right now. Instead of saying, Did Autumn call you today?, she is suppose to be calling you to ask you if you would pick her up and drop her off at FeFe's. BUT NOOOOOOOOOOOO... in typical Tanya fashion, she says.... When you drop Auli off, you need to pick up Autumn and drop her at FeFe's... like I'm the 16 year old kid that just got his license, and she gets to tell me what to do... will confront that shit at a later date.. when I have the energy.
(Note I forgot to mention: The other day, when Tanya left Sydney and AJ over here while they(I'm assuming her, Fe, & Tiff went to BJ's to shop,.. when Fe returned to pick up Sydney and AJ, Fe spoke to me, came upstairs stuck her head in the door and said hello. SHOCKED.. because she and I haven't had words in awhile... She stopped talking to me, the night she called the police and Tony got arrested. She acted like I had something to do with it, she turned Tony's family against me, and called me messy... now she speaking to me. I can honestly say, I not once did anything to Fe... not once and what she did was messy)
Sexual: Today was another day that was a breeze. It's amazing what you can do once you make up your mind. Not a mere thought during the day. It wasn't until around 11pm at night, while laying in bed watching the Ultimate Merger with Auli, as soon as he left to go to bed, the thought of jumping online for a quick fix occurred... but I asked Auli to cut the monitor off on his way out... and it was a wrap. Usually with Tanya acting the way she's acting towards me... this is clearly when I would decide to take care of myself, either online of off. The old me probably would have at least found someone on CL to talk to... and start planning for the weekend when we get back from Dalton. I can
Friday, July 16, 2010
Thursday, July 15, 2010
Wednesday July 14, 2010
Last night was challenging, but I made it through. During the daytime, not one thought of porn, it wasn't until the end of the day the thought even occurred, and when it did, I made a mental note that the temptation to jump online wasn't going to defeat me that easy... so I clicked off the monitor... and watched television until I fell asleep.
Today, I'm starting fresh, rejoicing about making it through the night... and happy to come out victorious. Tanya basically has me on ig, she continues to make an effort to speak in a monotone voice when she's on the phone with me. There is nothing there. It's almost as if, being on the phone with her, zaps her energy... and I can honestly say she's definitely zapping mine. I can be happy, and when I hear her voice... it's a wrap. I ask myself... over and over... will it ever change. In her mind, I will always be suspect, even when I shouldn't be. Just like when I was being faithful to her, for all the runs that I was faithful, and contrary to her opinion, there were many times, I chose not to make a call, not to go to a party, not to take a call, not to jump online, not to respond to flirting, and it never failed, her "Lack of investment" would set me back everytime... even after I prayed about it.
I took Auli to practice at 6:30pm. She called around 7pm saying she was on the way for the meeting. She shows up, barely speaks,... not ONE word of conversation between us AT ALL. We left the meeting, walked to the car, she hugged Auli, then we proceeded (Auli and I) to go to her house to pack his clothes for the state playoffs. She comes in, barely speaks, packs his clothes while I excused myself outside, and layed on the bed of my truck. I'd rather go outside and watch the grass grow, than be in the same room with her igging the shit out of me. She didn't even walk him to the door to say goodbye to me.... again.. it hurts!
Talk about crazy.... this is crazy... and it's better that I just leave her alone through this period.
It's zaps her to speak, she goes out of her way to leave without addressing me, hardly any eye contact, and I just think it's not the way to handle this situation.. once again. I'm not going to say anything else to her about what she's doing.. because obviously she feels she's justified in treating me as if I don't exist. I never say I felt justified in mistreating her, I never said, she deserved it, I always said, what I did to her was 100% selfish, but I never stopped acknowledging that she is alive, and showing her love.
If this is how she wants to handle me and it's CLEAR IT IS, from this point on...then that's fine. It's not making me want her either... so I guess... she's getting what she wants... At this point the feeling is mutual... I wish I didn't have to see her AT ALL DURING THIS PERIOD IN MY LIFE, and I know she feels the same. I believe I can beat my issues on my own... I really don't need her, to drain me day in and day out, by taking me backwards. It's been a constant in my life. Truth be told, I believe her negative energy fed my sexual demons. As a matter of fact, I know it did. As long as she and I was happily getting along, many times, I would FORGO fucking around on her. More times than not, she would do something and trigger the attitude of "fuck it". Like I told Charley, Tanya satisfies me sexually... I love everything about her body, I love touching her, caressing her, ... I love cuddling with her...and I love the way she makes me feel while inside her. The problem is, when I'm outside of her.... nothing seems genuine. I understand she's completely lost trust in me, because of our history. My problem is, when I am telling the truth, when I am doing the right thing, and making the right choices when she's not around, I'm still under a very dark cloud of suspicion, that WILL NOT END. I'm not sure why I think it will EVER END. I'm not sure her DNA, will allow her to EVER TRUST ME AGAIN. That being said... I shouldn't waste my time trying to have a marital relationship with her. I'm not sure we can even have a friendship, because trust is trust. She makes me feel like she hates me, and that feeling have been on the surface since Aprile & Lori. That's when the terrible cycle of infidelity started. I really believe I could have kicked it, had she handled me differently. I don't just cheat.... I believe Tanya's actions triggers my actions, which is NO EXCUSE, because I know my actions triggered her thoughts, and those thoughts have had us in a loop that has lasted nearly 20 years. Unlike the saying, which came first, the chicken or the egg, we know beyond a shadow of a doubt which came first in this relationship, I cheated first and the cycle began!
Soooooo...... I shoulder the blame. I can't control her ability to deal with it, all I can do is control my ability to cheat. Today I really believe I can control it. I really love her, whether she believes it or not. Whether she loves me or not. Whether or not she respects me or not... and whether or not she will reciprocate or not. All that being said... my actions against her, was not to intentionally hurt her... and I'm very disappointed in all of my actions. Words can't describe the disgust I feel toward my actions... so I can only imagine how she feels!
Today was another day, that I made it without any issues sexually. Not one snafu! So far so good, and if I can get through the next couple of weeks like this... it will be easier than I thought!
TTYL
Today, I'm starting fresh, rejoicing about making it through the night... and happy to come out victorious. Tanya basically has me on ig, she continues to make an effort to speak in a monotone voice when she's on the phone with me. There is nothing there. It's almost as if, being on the phone with her, zaps her energy... and I can honestly say she's definitely zapping mine. I can be happy, and when I hear her voice... it's a wrap. I ask myself... over and over... will it ever change. In her mind, I will always be suspect, even when I shouldn't be. Just like when I was being faithful to her, for all the runs that I was faithful, and contrary to her opinion, there were many times, I chose not to make a call, not to go to a party, not to take a call, not to jump online, not to respond to flirting, and it never failed, her "Lack of investment" would set me back everytime... even after I prayed about it.
I took Auli to practice at 6:30pm. She called around 7pm saying she was on the way for the meeting. She shows up, barely speaks,... not ONE word of conversation between us AT ALL. We left the meeting, walked to the car, she hugged Auli, then we proceeded (Auli and I) to go to her house to pack his clothes for the state playoffs. She comes in, barely speaks, packs his clothes while I excused myself outside, and layed on the bed of my truck. I'd rather go outside and watch the grass grow, than be in the same room with her igging the shit out of me. She didn't even walk him to the door to say goodbye to me.... again.. it hurts!
Talk about crazy.... this is crazy... and it's better that I just leave her alone through this period.
It's zaps her to speak, she goes out of her way to leave without addressing me, hardly any eye contact, and I just think it's not the way to handle this situation.. once again. I'm not going to say anything else to her about what she's doing.. because obviously she feels she's justified in treating me as if I don't exist. I never say I felt justified in mistreating her, I never said, she deserved it, I always said, what I did to her was 100% selfish, but I never stopped acknowledging that she is alive, and showing her love.
If this is how she wants to handle me and it's CLEAR IT IS, from this point on...then that's fine. It's not making me want her either... so I guess... she's getting what she wants... At this point the feeling is mutual... I wish I didn't have to see her AT ALL DURING THIS PERIOD IN MY LIFE, and I know she feels the same. I believe I can beat my issues on my own... I really don't need her, to drain me day in and day out, by taking me backwards. It's been a constant in my life. Truth be told, I believe her negative energy fed my sexual demons. As a matter of fact, I know it did. As long as she and I was happily getting along, many times, I would FORGO fucking around on her. More times than not, she would do something and trigger the attitude of "fuck it". Like I told Charley, Tanya satisfies me sexually... I love everything about her body, I love touching her, caressing her, ... I love cuddling with her...and I love the way she makes me feel while inside her. The problem is, when I'm outside of her.... nothing seems genuine. I understand she's completely lost trust in me, because of our history. My problem is, when I am telling the truth, when I am doing the right thing, and making the right choices when she's not around, I'm still under a very dark cloud of suspicion, that WILL NOT END. I'm not sure why I think it will EVER END. I'm not sure her DNA, will allow her to EVER TRUST ME AGAIN. That being said... I shouldn't waste my time trying to have a marital relationship with her. I'm not sure we can even have a friendship, because trust is trust. She makes me feel like she hates me, and that feeling have been on the surface since Aprile & Lori. That's when the terrible cycle of infidelity started. I really believe I could have kicked it, had she handled me differently. I don't just cheat.... I believe Tanya's actions triggers my actions, which is NO EXCUSE, because I know my actions triggered her thoughts, and those thoughts have had us in a loop that has lasted nearly 20 years. Unlike the saying, which came first, the chicken or the egg, we know beyond a shadow of a doubt which came first in this relationship, I cheated first and the cycle began!
Soooooo...... I shoulder the blame. I can't control her ability to deal with it, all I can do is control my ability to cheat. Today I really believe I can control it. I really love her, whether she believes it or not. Whether she loves me or not. Whether or not she respects me or not... and whether or not she will reciprocate or not. All that being said... my actions against her, was not to intentionally hurt her... and I'm very disappointed in all of my actions. Words can't describe the disgust I feel toward my actions... so I can only imagine how she feels!
Today was another day, that I made it without any issues sexually. Not one snafu! So far so good, and if I can get through the next couple of weeks like this... it will be easier than I thought!
TTYL
Tuesday, July 13, 2010 - Fresh Start - Counseling Day 1
Tanya kicked off the day with an early morning with her typical "interrogation" style email to me out of the blue... I'm excited about starting new... and here she comes... it's the story of my life.
I had just sat down at the computer... and here 30 secs later... this pops up.
at: 7:46am
"And this is what you just did......you know you tried again this week to say you stoped after I asked you to leave in DEC 2009, but the lie you told about installing a tv was this past new years eve!!!! incredible. What time? what space? are you trying to con me into thinking was real? What are attributing to any level of honesty and fidelity?"
She's talking about a party that never happened.. because when we got there... she came on her cycle while they were having sex....
All I could do was grit and bare it....
a few mins. later... this:
"so did that party happen?"
She's referring to the 8 Ball Corner pocket party...
Then this....
you were sleeping with strangers every week until i left in June 2010, and often sleeping with me on the same day as your parties....WOW!!!!!
You are amazing.
Well... I explained that I never slept with her, the same night I went to a party. It was just a rule of mine.. whether she believes it or not.. it's TRUE.
Back to what I really want to talk about.
Meeting Charley this morning... gives me hope that I can really get somewhere and find out when, where and how I got off track. I know Charley needs to make him money, but I really think he can help me. He said... I really need to rely on Jesus, and he also mentioned needing to enlist Tanya's help as well. I asked her.. and she obliged.
I'm really looking forward to the next session, and realized I should have been doing it all along.
When I call, her spirits DROP. When she calls me, she's monotone. She came to drop off Autumn and the kids, while she went shopping at BJ's, and when she walked in, she avoided eye contact and went out of her way not to hug me... and barely said bye.
This SHIT SUCKS!!!!
I'm going to suck it up... but if this is an indication of what's it going to be like dealing with her.... I'm not looking forward to the haul!
I promised her... I am willing to do anything... and so I guess.. she's going to make sure she tests my ass to the max. It's cold...and it hurts... so I often ask myself.. is it worth it. I've been dealing with the cold bs off and on throughout the marriage.. but it's never been this bad. I really hate this position with her... but should I really expect anything else... after 20(+) years of dealing with her. Her mind is made up... she's going to do it her way... or the highway, but the problem with that... there is NO END IN SIGHT.
I know I know ... keep hope alive!
And last but not least,
Talked to Coach tonight... he said, they were told they would get funds this week, and he promised to send me $20K no later than Monday. We will see... because time will tell.
Todays temptation:
1) Aprile text me a few times, just really trying to get a far away from her as humanly possible. She hasn't been in contact with me for several months... now all of a sudden, she's calling every other day. She can't call or text now... because I got the number changed today from 678.858.1378 new number: 770.864.0792.
THANK GOD!
Porn:
I really wanted to get on a couple of porn sites tonight, but I can honestly say... I didn't. It's really tough... but this is a temptation that I'm going to resist. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me... and Lord knows I need it!
GN... see you tomorrow!
I had just sat down at the computer... and here 30 secs later... this pops up.
at: 7:46am
"And this is what you just did......you know you tried again this week to say you stoped after I asked you to leave in DEC 2009, but the lie you told about installing a tv was this past new years eve!!!! incredible. What time? what space? are you trying to con me into thinking was real? What are attributing to any level of honesty and fidelity?"
She's talking about a party that never happened.. because when we got there... she came on her cycle while they were having sex....
All I could do was grit and bare it....
a few mins. later... this:
"so did that party happen?"
She's referring to the 8 Ball Corner pocket party...
Then this....
you were sleeping with strangers every week until i left in June 2010, and often sleeping with me on the same day as your parties....WOW!!!!!
You are amazing.
Well... I explained that I never slept with her, the same night I went to a party. It was just a rule of mine.. whether she believes it or not.. it's TRUE.
Back to what I really want to talk about.
Meeting Charley this morning... gives me hope that I can really get somewhere and find out when, where and how I got off track. I know Charley needs to make him money, but I really think he can help me. He said... I really need to rely on Jesus, and he also mentioned needing to enlist Tanya's help as well. I asked her.. and she obliged.
I'm really looking forward to the next session, and realized I should have been doing it all along.
When I call, her spirits DROP. When she calls me, she's monotone. She came to drop off Autumn and the kids, while she went shopping at BJ's, and when she walked in, she avoided eye contact and went out of her way not to hug me... and barely said bye.
This SHIT SUCKS!!!!
I'm going to suck it up... but if this is an indication of what's it going to be like dealing with her.... I'm not looking forward to the haul!
I promised her... I am willing to do anything... and so I guess.. she's going to make sure she tests my ass to the max. It's cold...and it hurts... so I often ask myself.. is it worth it. I've been dealing with the cold bs off and on throughout the marriage.. but it's never been this bad. I really hate this position with her... but should I really expect anything else... after 20(+) years of dealing with her. Her mind is made up... she's going to do it her way... or the highway, but the problem with that... there is NO END IN SIGHT.
I know I know ... keep hope alive!
And last but not least,
Talked to Coach tonight... he said, they were told they would get funds this week, and he promised to send me $20K no later than Monday. We will see... because time will tell.
Todays temptation:
1) Aprile text me a few times, just really trying to get a far away from her as humanly possible. She hasn't been in contact with me for several months... now all of a sudden, she's calling every other day. She can't call or text now... because I got the number changed today from 678.858.1378 new number: 770.864.0792.
THANK GOD!
Porn:
I really wanted to get on a couple of porn sites tonight, but I can honestly say... I didn't. It's really tough... but this is a temptation that I'm going to resist. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me... and Lord knows I need it!
GN... see you tomorrow!
Monday, July 12, 2010 - Contacted the counselor...
I set the appt with the counselor today: My objective is to get to the root of why I've made a lot of the decisions I've made and I hope that she will support me through this process.
I was asked to choose between male and female counselor, I chose a male because I believe I need to advise from someone who understands what it's like dealing with all the dynamics I deal with as a man on a daily basis.
Charles Corva - 275 Country Club Drive. Stockbridge, Ga. 770.474.8400 begin_of_the_skype_highlighting 770.474.8400 end_of_the_skype_highlighting
Tomorrow morn my first session will start - July 13th at 9am (8:45am) Tues 20th at 10am. Authorization # - 201000051714 Approved for 8 visits - til Oct.
Looking forward to getting this process started... talk to you later.
I was asked to choose between male and female counselor, I chose a male because I believe I need to advise from someone who understands what it's like dealing with all the dynamics I deal with as a man on a daily basis.
Charles Corva - 275 Country Club Drive. Stockbridge, Ga. 770.474.8400 begin_of_the_skype_highlighting 770.474.8400 end_of_the_skype_highlighting
Tomorrow morn my first session will start - July 13th at 9am (8:45am) Tues 20th at 10am. Authorization # - 201000051714 Approved for 8 visits - til Oct.
Looking forward to getting this process started... talk to you later.
Sunday July 11th, 2010... We were talking and then...
Sunday July 11th, 2010.
Tanya drops by to pick up Auli. (He spent the night with his friend Tyler, (Tyler's bday party - paintball). While waiting on Auli, she and I started talking. Auli arrives, and while he's asked to get dress and change clothes, our conversation picks up about the past. It's hard to talk to her while Auli's around, because he's in and out. I asked him to go downstairs while Tanya and I talked .. and for him to take Kingston with him. Shortly after he leaves, she press me about "paying for prostitutes" and bringing them to our house, and something along the lines of hurting her intentionally. I said, my actions have never been to "intentionally" harm you. The hurt & pain caused was never deliberate. She snaps... and start violently swinging on me. First with a slap across the face, I leaned back in order to protect my face, and then I tried to grap her arms, and now she's pulling away and I'm trying to hold her. She snatches away and just starts swinging violently at me, head, neck, shoulders, ribs, in my side... she's just swinging wildly while I'm in the cradle position trying to just protect my face. This goes on for approx. 1 full minute. It's as if someone was holding a stop watch and said... GO! Once she finished, I tried to grab her again.. and get her to calm down. She realized she's broke several nails, and proceeds to the bathroom. I follow her in, and asks her if she's ok. She's not saying a single word... only breathing heavily. I go and retrieve the nail clippers and offers her 2 pair. She ignores the offer and exits the room and leaves. This is the second time we've been talking in the last 3 days, that she's hauled off and slapped me. I can see a pattern starting to emerge... it's going to be a long road.
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