Last night was challenging, but I made it through. During the daytime, not one thought of porn, it wasn't until the end of the day the thought even occurred, and when it did, I made a mental note that the temptation to jump online wasn't going to defeat me that easy... so I clicked off the monitor... and watched television until I fell asleep.
Today, I'm starting fresh, rejoicing about making it through the night... and happy to come out victorious. Tanya basically has me on ig, she continues to make an effort to speak in a monotone voice when she's on the phone with me. There is nothing there. It's almost as if, being on the phone with her, zaps her energy... and I can honestly say she's definitely zapping mine. I can be happy, and when I hear her voice... it's a wrap. I ask myself... over and over... will it ever change. In her mind, I will always be suspect, even when I shouldn't be. Just like when I was being faithful to her, for all the runs that I was faithful, and contrary to her opinion, there were many times, I chose not to make a call, not to go to a party, not to take a call, not to jump online, not to respond to flirting, and it never failed, her "Lack of investment" would set me back everytime... even after I prayed about it.
I took Auli to practice at 6:30pm. She called around 7pm saying she was on the way for the meeting. She shows up, barely speaks,... not ONE word of conversation between us AT ALL. We left the meeting, walked to the car, she hugged Auli, then we proceeded (Auli and I) to go to her house to pack his clothes for the state playoffs. She comes in, barely speaks, packs his clothes while I excused myself outside, and layed on the bed of my truck. I'd rather go outside and watch the grass grow, than be in the same room with her igging the shit out of me. She didn't even walk him to the door to say goodbye to me.... again.. it hurts!
Talk about crazy.... this is crazy... and it's better that I just leave her alone through this period.
It's zaps her to speak, she goes out of her way to leave without addressing me, hardly any eye contact, and I just think it's not the way to handle this situation.. once again. I'm not going to say anything else to her about what she's doing.. because obviously she feels she's justified in treating me as if I don't exist. I never say I felt justified in mistreating her, I never said, she deserved it, I always said, what I did to her was 100% selfish, but I never stopped acknowledging that she is alive, and showing her love.
If this is how she wants to handle me and it's CLEAR IT IS, from this point on...then that's fine. It's not making me want her either... so I guess... she's getting what she wants... At this point the feeling is mutual... I wish I didn't have to see her AT ALL DURING THIS PERIOD IN MY LIFE, and I know she feels the same. I believe I can beat my issues on my own... I really don't need her, to drain me day in and day out, by taking me backwards. It's been a constant in my life. Truth be told, I believe her negative energy fed my sexual demons. As a matter of fact, I know it did. As long as she and I was happily getting along, many times, I would FORGO fucking around on her. More times than not, she would do something and trigger the attitude of "fuck it". Like I told Charley, Tanya satisfies me sexually... I love everything about her body, I love touching her, caressing her, ... I love cuddling with her...and I love the way she makes me feel while inside her. The problem is, when I'm outside of her.... nothing seems genuine. I understand she's completely lost trust in me, because of our history. My problem is, when I am telling the truth, when I am doing the right thing, and making the right choices when she's not around, I'm still under a very dark cloud of suspicion, that WILL NOT END. I'm not sure why I think it will EVER END. I'm not sure her DNA, will allow her to EVER TRUST ME AGAIN. That being said... I shouldn't waste my time trying to have a marital relationship with her. I'm not sure we can even have a friendship, because trust is trust. She makes me feel like she hates me, and that feeling have been on the surface since Aprile & Lori. That's when the terrible cycle of infidelity started. I really believe I could have kicked it, had she handled me differently. I don't just cheat.... I believe Tanya's actions triggers my actions, which is NO EXCUSE, because I know my actions triggered her thoughts, and those thoughts have had us in a loop that has lasted nearly 20 years. Unlike the saying, which came first, the chicken or the egg, we know beyond a shadow of a doubt which came first in this relationship, I cheated first and the cycle began!
Soooooo...... I shoulder the blame. I can't control her ability to deal with it, all I can do is control my ability to cheat. Today I really believe I can control it. I really love her, whether she believes it or not. Whether she loves me or not. Whether or not she respects me or not... and whether or not she will reciprocate or not. All that being said... my actions against her, was not to intentionally hurt her... and I'm very disappointed in all of my actions. Words can't describe the disgust I feel toward my actions... so I can only imagine how she feels!
Today was another day, that I made it without any issues sexually. Not one snafu! So far so good, and if I can get through the next couple of weeks like this... it will be easier than I thought!
TTYL
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